"I know it makes no sense, what else can I do?"
"Well I’m glad that I taught you something. I’ve always wanted nothing but the best for you and even though we may have gotten into it and at certain times I may of not been as nice to you as I should, I’ve always wanted you to be happy. I’ll be the first to admit, when we were together, I probably treated you more like you were my child and I was the parent. I always wanted you to make the right decisions instead of figuring them out yourself. In my eyes, you’ve always been this adorable girl that I’ve just wanted to keep away from the horrible things in life. I’ve never wanted you to experience hurt or sadness and at times I really tried to even if it meant I suffered. I’m happy to know that maybe I didn’t completely fail you. I know that I don’t need anyone and that I can be completely fine on my own but I honestly feel like now more then ever, because I don’t have anyone I’m with, that I’m actually dealing with feelings that I thought I didn’t have anymore and realize that I do. Countless times I always go back to memories involving you, mostly the times spent in your bedroom, cuddling and watching TV. Towards the end of summer into fall doing all types of things and memories with your mom and family. I’ve never in my life have been that close to a girl ever. I always felt like I was part of your family. They always included me in everything. I remember baking things in your kitchen, going to see Sweeney Todd in the city, when you actually didn’t know I was coming because I was surprising you. I miss looking into your eyes and actually feeling for once that someone cared as much as I did. I just miss holding you. I miss holding your hand. I miss when you would root for the steelers and I would root for the ravens and I didn’t even really care for football. I miss how comfortable we could be around each other, whether it was clothed or not clothed. I miss just laying in your room, waiting for you to get out the shower just so I could see your beautiful face. Even when I was so mad at you, like extremely mad, I still thought you were the cutest thing ever. What I miss the most is, even when I didn’t look my best or even when I didn’t look good at all, YOU excepted me. Knowing that you can have any guy in the world, YOU wanted me. I just have so much I wanna just ramble off the top of my head. I miss just bringing you flowers and even when you knew you were going to get them, you still would smile so big. Right now, I’m finally dealing with the fact of loosing you in that way. I never dealt with it when I actually ended things. As complicated as things were, I still wanted you, I still loved you with everything. The pressure of what everyone else thought and the feeling of me feeling like how you were acting was because of me, it got to me and I gave up. I always have a habit of just pushing things away and not dealing with things, I didn’t deal with any of that. Yes, I cried, I cried a decent amount but I put my feelings aside and moved on, even though I always tried to keep some kind of tabs on you. I wanted things to work and honestly still to this day, I still do. I remember telling you, I always wanted you to give Me a daughter who was a spitting image of you. Do you remember? I was always serious about that. I’m finally dealing with all these emotions now. July 20th would be 3 years. And that’s in a few days. To go through things that I’ve went through with different relationships, it’s made me realize what I had and how I shouldn’t of let others opinions get in the way of how I felt about you. Every big event in the 4-5 months we were together, I remember clear as day. Whenever I look at your pictures, I get a big smile my face. I just miss everything and I hate the fact that I missed a lot of important parts in your life that have happen in those last 3 years. I miss you and I miss the feeling of feeling like I was accepted into your family. At the end when I felt like I was being blamed, I felt ashamed to even be around you or around your family. I remember at the end when you were in the hospital, i wanted to be there for you. I wanted to hold you. I remember the last kiss we had and that night when we had that last hug. I know that theirs still a part of me that loves you and I know that I always will. I don’t know what your feelings are about that and how you feel and it honestly scares me to know cause I always hoped I’d be that one you couldn’t live with out or that one you always loved the most or still do. Im sorry if I sound like a creep or your caught off guard or you honestly have no clue what to say. I just feel like I have so much more to say but it’ll just all sound like I’m rambling. Just always be honest with me, even if it comes down to not what I want to hear."